and you are five for a moment
by gallaghergrl
Summary: for maddie "welcome to maddieland" /b-t-s exchange 2011/


for **maddie**; hope you enjoy darling! **prompts**: "every teardrop is a waterfall" by coldplay, a yale t-shirt, somebody saying, "why is your dad reading your copy of _nylon_ magazine?" and s_uper 8_. sorry i just couldn't work in the quote thing. :/ hope you don't hate me?

* * *

><p>you are <em>five<em>  
>years old &amp; <strong>b r o k e n<strong>.

people may think you're young, but you aren't stupid.

you know there's something wrong with you.

/**&**/

you've got some "family _issues_".

.

you're parents tend to be absent**missing**_gone_, and when they're no they can get rather _**angry**_.

.

$*#!%

.  
><strong>yell<strong>_shout_scream

.

_smack_**hit**kick

.

-a bad temper, it's called, you think-

/**&**/

all you really know is that when  
><em>mommy <strong>&amp;<strong> daddy_  
>are<br>_home_  
>things can get <strong>scary<strong>.

so you're five  
>years old and <strong>b r o k e n<strong>.

but he's got _a hand reaching out_.

a _filthy_**muddy**grimy hand  
>that's slightly smaller then yours hand.<p>

.

_why do you take hold of it?_

-you've got no answer-

.

it's a public park

he's a normal boy

nothing is making sense.

.

but he's smiling.

_at you_.

**he's smiling at you**.

-when was the last time someone smiled at you?-

you are _five_

years old & starting to **m e n d**.

* * *

><p>you are <em>ten<em>

years old & **d a m a g e d**.

_mommy **&** daddy_ are still _**angry**_.

/you're not naïve any more/

but "angry" makes it sound simpler.

/**&**/

**bastard.**

you hear it everywhere.

it's your second name.

you understand why, now.

they explained it years ago.

you can't understand why it's _your_ fault.

but you know what it is.

they tell you so.

/**&**/

they're angry.

but.

you're angry too.

**that's a lie**

{you're good at telling lies.  
>you have to be for all the <strong>teachers<strong>counselors_others_.}

you aren't _**angry**_.  
>you are but really you're just<br>scared**sad**_lonely  
><em>you even want to say _hopeless_

but then you remember the boy with the dirty hand.  
>the one always standing to your right, sitting on your left, and walking beside you no matter what.<p>

he's so _**beautiful**_ to you.

god, you've heard about love, but you don't believe in it.  
>except maybe if it's todd. if it's todd then it's <em><strong>love<strong>_.

red messy curls. cerulean blue eyes. pale almost translucent skin. dark cherry tinted lips. constellations of freckles.  
>and just something else all about it. a sort of <em>glow<em> he give off.  
>(you swear you glow when you're around him too)<p>

/**&**/

you're broken _broken_ **b r o k e n  
><strong>but he's holding all your damaged pieces together

you don't deserve him  
>you're not good enough<br>_never good enough  
><em>**bastard**

-never forget it-

but he's todd  
><em>todd lyons<br>_and he's your **e v e r y t h i n g  
><strong>when you're **n o t h i n g**

you are _ten  
><em>years old and starting to **h e a l**

* * *

><p>you are <em>fifteen<br>_years old & **l o s t**

todd & you are something  
>{everything}<p>

classmates.**bestfriend**.crushes.lovers._everythingbutfuckbuddies  
><em>  
>you offered<br>because you love him  
>and you know it's what boys want<p>

but he looked at you so sadly  
>kissed you so gently<br>_it felt like a whisper_

-"not now massie. it wouldn't be right."-

_does that mean he thinks there's something __**wrong**__ with you too?_

/**&**/

so you both just be todd&massie  
>and whatever that means<p>

kisses, caresses, touches, holds, and moments of warmth

you are always **angry  
><strong>always _crying  
><em>always lonely  
>(even next to him)<p>

you're lost_lost_**lost**.  
>he's the <span>anchor<span> holding you down  
>keeping you <strong>g r o u n d e d<br>**so you don't just _f l o a t_ away already

because mommy&daddy don't give a damn

scars. **black**_&_blue. marks. _bruises_.  
>{they become easier to hide now that you can do your own make up}<p>

you finally understand the true worthlessness your mortal body holds along with your soul

**b r o k e n**. _damaged_. l o s t.

_**un**_wanted  
><em><strong>un<strong>_needed  
><em><strong>un<strong>_loved.

_**YOU DON'T BELONG HERE**_

-it's screaming in your head-

/**&**/

he's kissing you.  
>he's loving you, wanting you, needing you.<br>(there most be something wrong with him, if he's choosing someone like you)

tears spill  
>blood spills<br>cuts you cause now  
><strong>it's too much<br>**_  
>you're too much<br>__you're not enough_

you need to get the fuck out

/**&**/

why does he do this to you?

you feel so _guilty_  
>did you still his <strong>heart<strong>?  
>are you a theft?<p>

**{**you don't deserve him**}**

**leave him be  
><strong>_you can't  
><em>you need him  
>or you can't breath)<br>but he steals your breath just being there.

/**&**/

e v e r y t h i n g h u r t s

yet you're _**numb**_.  
><em>you've become numb.<br>_you've become **cold**.frigid._icy_.  
>todd is <em>warmth<em>.

you are _fifteen  
><em>years old & **t h a w i n g**

* * *

><p>you are <em>sixteen<br>_years old & **b e t t e r**

not _good_. but better.

because todd made a promise to marry you. he promises to take you away the moment you both turn eighteen.  
>{you're counting down the days.}<p>

_you don't deserve him, but for as long as he want you you'll be able to live._

{when you go over his house he's there in a rumpled yale t-shirt, sprawled out on the couch waiting for you to put in "super 8". it's so picture perfect. it's …normal.}

it makes you cry, because you're happy.  
>because there's only five hundred and seventy-one days left.<p>

/**&**/

_mommy **& **daddy_ still hate you  
>you know they always will<p>

you **hate** it  
>but you <strong>love<strong> them

because you're _twisted  
><em>because it's your fault they hate you  
>because they are still <em>mommy <strong>&amp; <strong>daddy_ to you  
>because <em>you just do<em>

todd cries when you tell him you love them  
>he cries when you tell him you love him<p>

"_do you think i'm like them mass?"_

**you hate how you make him cry**

he once showed you a song, you don't remember who sings it, it's nothing you can really relate to, but one line, you like it a lot.

"every teardrop is a waterfall"  
><em>you believe that, you really do.<em>

you hate to see a waterfall of tears from todd, you hate to make him sad.  
>but even crying he's <strong>beautiful<strong> to you.

"_i don't understand what you mean"_

it's what you say, because it's the truth

"_do you think i'd ever hurt you?"_

"_i don't think so, you don't get mad ever. but if i did something to make you mad, i think you should. this way i know i've been bad again."_

todd doesn't talk again for the rest of the night  
>you try to kiss him, but he pushed you away and instead hold you like he never has before<p>

/**&**/

_fragile  
><em>china&glass  
><strong>b r e a k i n g<br>**just like you  
><em>falling<br>_lost in the air  
>about to <em><strong>crash<br>**_and then d e s t r o y e d  
><strong>this time it's daddy who's angry<strong>

but it's you're birthday  
>and todd is going to be <em>coming in the door any moment<br>_and you're in the hallway  
><strong>bleeding<br>**and daddy's yelling  
>and everything is slightly <em>fuzzy<br>_**you're crying**

.

todd comes in  
>todd sees the blood<br>**crimson red  
><strong>_sticky  
><em>every where  
>and the <strong>vases<br>**s h a t t e r e d and all around you  
>and daddy above you<p>

todd gives out this sound that can't be human  
>before he tackles daddy<br>and you pass out

_**you're five for a moment and the worlds about to fall apart**_

/**&**/

when you wake up everything is w h i t e

_pure_ white  
><em>untainted<em> white  
><strong>are you in heaven?<br>**or is this your own personally hell?

it's all whitewhitewhite  
><em>you don't belong<em>

but there's todd holding your hand  
>and he's crying<br>_why do you aways make him cry?_

/&/

you're only _seventeen  
><em>years old & **a l i v e**

you can't live on your own yet  
>it's not <strong>legal<strong>

you can't live with mommy**&**daddy  
>there's too many <em>police men, nurses, and social workers<em> in the way now

you decide you want to be **c r a z y  
><strong>todd lets you  
>so you go to psyche ward<p>

/**&**/

secretly you and him both know you've been crazy for years  
>and yet not.<p>

_**it doesn't matter  
><strong>_this way he can visit you everyday

you've got exactly three hundred and sixty-five days until you're eighteen  
>and married<br>and with todd forever

_everything is going to be okay_

you're fifteen for a moment  
>this time you're a little more broken<br>a little more damaged  
>a little more lost<p>

yet a little bit stronger

* * *

><p>hope you enjoyed. review?<p> 


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